Seven Letters From A Wanderer: The Fourth Letter

A BRIEF INTERLUDE

14 May 2009

Hello!

What’s up, bud? Must be really busy these days, isn’t it? Well, don’t get so involved in your work that you forget to take care of your health. Or else, you’ll lose your wily cuteness.  Oops! Opposite words, aren’t they – wily and cute? For others, maybe. For me they sum up to - of course, you, my dear.

Jokes apart, how was your last month? Anything exciting, huh? You must be really getting bored of the same question posed by me month after month. But what should I do? You never answer me. So, I keep on repeating the same question regularly. Anyways, let me ask you a different question. It’s been four months since I’ve been conversing with you through my letters. I don’t even know if ‘converse’ is the proper word, because it’s me who does all the ‘talking’. And that is precisely my question – Do you really not have any curiosity to know me? To know more about this stupid fellow who keeps on writing letters to you month after month? What do you feel about that person? Is it a sense of bewilderment or a strong feeling of repulsion? I am asking you this, because I want to know if my letters are really reaching you. I have got no idea whether these stupid contemplations of mine make any impression upon you. But I would love to know, if you wish to share your feelings.

Sitting here in my room, writing this letter to you, I am thinking where this mess is going to lead me to. Does it have an end? If yes, then I can’t see it at present. And perhaps I am aware that this is nothing but a futile attempt on my part to find the love of my life. The stupid that I was, I wanted to plot the course of my life on my terms. But today I feel so helpless, when I discern that I have no control over my life. Or else, why would’ve I fallen for you? Why would have I loved you?

Who knew love would be so difficult? Love, after all, happens in a jiffy. If people really gave so much thought, would they dare love anyone? But still, a part of my heart believes, they would. Even with the understanding that love involves pain, people would like to fall in love again and again. Because, in spite of the pain & the grief involved, love soothes, love heals, love uplifts the soul. Love has the power to pull us out of the nadir of sorrows & misfortunes. But alas! I don’t have that love. I shall not lie. I expected it of you. But you have your own reservations. And I don’t blame you. It’s your life, and it’s your decision. I can only abide by it.

Well, leave these things. Just now a thought descended upon my mind. It’s always that I am talking about my life, my hopes, my aspirations, but I’ve never asked you about yours. What is your aim in life, Ash? What is the thing that you are passionate about & would really do anything to achieve? What’s the goal of your life?

You know, we all need to have some aim in our life. Life is nothing but a chaotic succession of events. We, as human beings, are supposed to bring order out of this chaos. The river always flows towards the sea. The fire always rises towards the heaven. Here, the sea & the heaven symbolize the aim of the river & the fire, respectively. In the same way, we need to have an aim in life. It may be anything – to achieve a particular point in your career ladder, to do something in your life that you love to do or even, to gain someone’s love. An aim is necessary because it gives meaning to our chaotic lives. This aim, this emotional hook steers your life. Find the hook, dear, if you haven’t. Just give it a thought, Ash. How do you want to bring meaning to your life?

 As for me, I have told you about my aim in a previous letter. Yeah, to travel the whole world. I had told you in my previous letter that I've an innate incapability to stay still. I’ve been, should I say, condemned to the life of a wanderer. I can’t stay at one place for a very long time. I’ve been damned to leave behind my ties & start off on a new journey. Every time I reach a new place, I resolve that I will not just leave this time. This is the final journey. But with time, my heart becomes restless. I long for the joy of being in transit. As the days proceed, I know that I’ve to follow the call of my destiny. And then, one day, I do what I am best at – running away. Running away from those I love, running away from those I hate. Running away from life, running away from everything. 

In a way, running away for me has become a kind of redemption. Redemption for all the wrongs that I have inflicted upon those who loved me. I have hurt many people, Ash. I do admit it. Because, now I clearly see how my utterings have wounded the  people who wanted nothing but my good. By running away, I try to redeem myself. Maybe, one day I’ll be strong enough to ask for their forgiveness. That day, I will make a return journey. That’ll be my solitary spiritual quest to obtain the ultimate absolution.

You must be wondering, why the hell is this person always so grave, isn’t it? Always talking about hefty things in life, never rejoicing in the lighter moments. Yeah, it is true to some extent. Sometimes, some events, some experiences in your life force you to change your outlook towards life. Sometimes, they make people more serious, sometimes more casual. Perhaps, something on similar terms has happened with me. Maybe, someday I will find the strength to disclose everything to you. But rest assured, I am not such a grim person as I may appear in my letters. This delusion of yours (if there is any) will vanish when you meet me (And God knows when is that going to happen).

I'm sorry but I think I've reached the end of today's monologue. Yeah I know, this time it's too small. To compensate, the next one will be lengthy enough. Still, another long month before I bore you again. So, how are you going to spend this month without my unusually stretched blabbering. Here’s a suggestion from your unknown friend. Just love somebody, Ash. And see how the world around you changes so rapidly. Everything appears new, everything’s different. The songs of the birds become more melodious while the blossoms become more fragrant. The days become soothing & the nights warmer. It seems as if the whole nature joins in to celebrate your joys. Fall in love, dude. It’s an experience that you must never miss. Yes, there’s a little pain in it. But still the happiness it abounds, more than justifies the pain. And yes, do not forget to share your joy. It will increase a thousand fold. Moreover, I would love to listen to your experience about love. After all, who shall be gladder than me on your happiness? Take Care & keep smiling. Till next time, good-bye.

With lots of love,
Only Yours,
Ascetic Wanderer

Seven Letters From A Wanderer: The Third Letter

A NEW SEASON

15 April 2009

Hi Ash,

I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry. I am so sorry. It should have been on 14^th but today’s 15^th. Yeah, I know it’s my fault & no excuses for the delay. But some things are totally unpredictable & power supply in Kolkata is one among them. I hope you understand that & forgive my misdemeanor (plzzzz).

So, how’s life, Ash? Hope it’s stirring with loads of fun & frolic. As for me, it’s the usual boring stuff – studies & wandering here & there aimlessly in the city. I don’t know why but there’s this restlessness in me, an innate incapability to stay still. Rather I should say, I am happiest in transit. I am a person who believes in the constancy of change.

From change I remember, just the other day, I happened to notice the mango tree by the side of my house. The new red leaves were peeping out of the group of old green leaves. The fragrant white blossoms quivered in the morning breeze as the harbinger of a new season. The cuckoo cooed in its sweet tone hailing the advent of a new season. The season of dry leaves is over. The long summers have commenced. 

Summers, for me, have always been associated with the month long vacations spent in the village with my grandparents. The idle mornings & the calm evenings of the rural milieu were what I always identified with the summer season. Have you ever been to a village, Ash? If you have then you’ll definitely know what I am talking about. Getting up early in the morning with the chirrup of the sparrows, frolicking & bathing in the river with your friends, the afternoon siestas in the cool breeze under the tamarind tree in the village orchard, playing gilli-danda in the evenings, herding the cows to their sheds when they return from the meadows at the cow-dust time (that’s what the villagers call it - Godhuli) & spending the night listening to tales of far-away countries from Grandma. These are my memories linked with the summers. How strange it is that sometimes just an inconsequential perception can shove in a torrent of hidden memories from the deepest corners of our mind, isn’t it?

Well, the past month, for me, was spent in thoughts and contemplation. I don’t know why these days I am feeling an uncanny sense of uneasiness. A dark mood of foreboding has, as if, engulfed me. Perhaps, I am too worried about my future. As if I have to reach somewhere & I couldn’t make out the way through the darkness that encircles me. Life, it seems, has reached a standstill. I desperately want it to move somewhere, to reach out for something, but I can’t make that happen. Many questions come into my mind. Like, what has the future in store for me? What do I want from my life? Why am I leading a life of so full of clichés? Why am I doing the things that I do? Even sometimes, what do I expect from you? Why the hell do I keep writing these letters to you? It becomes so frustrating at times.

The reason, I surmise, owes to my expectations. Perhaps, I expect too much from everybody & everything. It’s a fact that when we expect something & the outcome turns out to be just the opposite, we tend to get frustrated. So the solution, I think, is to stop expecting anything. Let life run its own course & let it unfold the magic within it, slowly & steadily by itself. Or maybe, it’s all just a passing phase that will fade away with time.

I have also thought a lot about you, the past month. You were always before my eyes irrespective of whether they were open or closed. I slept with my eyes open & remained awake in my sleeps. I had heard that this happens in love; but, I am experiencing it for the first time.

I still remember the first day I saw you. A radiant face, a twinkle in the eyes, a flashy smile – there was an inherent charm in you. Who had even the slightest idea that in such a small span of time, you’ll become inevitable for me?  

Love is a strange thing. But love at first sight is stranger. How can we fall in love with someone whom we have never met before? How can we desire someone with whom we haven’t talked even once? Love at first sight, it is called. It takes nine months to bring forth a human life. But a human heart takes only an instant to born. It happens in the instant when one falls in love.

Sometimes I think, of all the people in the world, why I fell in love with you, Ash. What was that in you, which was missing in others? What did my heart find in you, that it couldn’t in others? Was it fate or just a coincidence? The agnostic that I am, it’s a little hard for me to believe that it was the former.

It is not falling in love that is hard to believe; but it’s the spontaneity associated that defies explanation. Perhaps because, I think, there are very few relations in my life that are spontaneous. I’ve always been very specific about who I want to be my friends & who not. I always chose my friends after much consideration. Since I invest too much into them, I have very few friends. But they are dearer to me than my life. I live for them & I’m ready to do anything for them. But with you, it was different. For the first time in my life, I wanted to live & perhaps, even die, for a person whom I didn’t even know well enough.

 

Hitherto, my existence had been an endless succession of hours, days, weeks & years lived for others. The whole story of my life till now is more a story of the trials & tribulations of the supporting characters than that of the protagonist. Leading this life of others, my own self, my identity – I’d lost it somewhere along the way. There’s no word ‘I’ the dictionary of my life. What was left of me was a dummy, who danced to other people’s whims & fancies. The life that I was leading, it was the zenith of my miseries. Sometimes I used to think, was it really worth it? Was I right when I obliterated my own self for other people?  

But why am I telling you all this, right? Because you’re the one who is responsible for my resurrection. This life of wretchedness, that I was leading, I don’t know if ever I’d have brought it to a conclusion. But the moment you came into my life, everything changed in a moment. As if some little sprite had swiveled her magic wand, and transformed me into something alive.

People say love has the power to change. I’ve felt the change. In a splitsecond, my life was heaved into two parts. The first one, before you; the other, after you. The first where I just survived, and the second where I have started living. Survive & Live – maybe, they are just words to you; but for me, they describe my life – in concise. You don’t know how nice it feels to be alive, to be able to breathe again. There stretched an ominous gloom far & wide, when it appeared as if there was no salvation for me, I discovered you. When my soul was fighting, perhaps its last battle, against a melancholy whose sole objective was to stifle me to death, I found you. You became the herald of a new era of my life. And I am more than thankful to you for that. If there is anything that I can do for you, just tell me. I will do it even if that leads me to my ultimate destruction. It’s the least I can do for you.

You were the best thing that ever happened to me, Ash. Falling in love with you was bliss for me. There’ll always be a place for you in my heart for all my life. And everywhere I am, there you’ll be. Always.

Ash, I write these letters to you with a belief. A belief that you read my letters. That you lend an ear to my never-ending monologue. I have no way to confirm my belief. I do not even know whether you like it or not (my writing letters to you, I mean). Maybe, you straight away delete any mail that has Ascetic Wanderer as its sender. But my heart says no. I don’t know why I’ve this faith. Perhaps it’s your silence that speaks to me. I believe that in your person, I’ve found a friend, a patient listener. And that’s more than enough for me. Maybe I’m right, maybe I’m wrong. If I am right, then keep on your silence; but if I’m wrong, then say so. Just one word & I’ll stop. On this I give my word to you, with all the love that I’ve for you in my heart, that never again will I bother you. I will disappear from your life as silently as I had appeared. At least, I owe you that.

Good-Bye & Take Care.

With lots of love,

Ascetic Wanderer

P.S. I was just listening to a song when two lines caught my attention. It was as if my heart was speaking them. Perhaps you’d have heard the song. Here are the lines –

 

Pyar tumhein kitna karte hain, tum yeh samajh nahi paaoge

Jab hum na honge piharwaa, bolo tab kya aaoge…

 

Till next time, bye.

Seven Letters From A Wanderer: The Second Letter

IT'S BEEN A MONTH

14 March 2009

Hi Ash,

Yeah, here I am once again. Hope you’re thriving with good health & great spirits. Well, did you read my last letter? I expect you have. So, what was your reaction – surprise and shock or loathing & repugnance? Or was there a feeling of denial that the maybe the letter was not intended for you at all? Maybe it was addressed to the wrong mail id. Clear your doubts, buddy – the letter was intended for you only. Its every word was reaching out to you only.

It’s been one month. One month - seems so long, doesn’t it? But it passes away in a jiffy. Really, time flies away so fast. There are so many things we think we have to do. We plan for them, we prepare for them with meticulous precision. We even complete some of them. But there are others that have to wait. For one reason or other, we fail to finish those chores. And they remain suspended as such, until one day we totally forget those errands. Their fate is to bite dust in some remote corners of our mind. But time – time carries on, in its own pace - too slow for some, scuttling for others - waiting for no one, towards its unknown destination. That’s the writ of the Fates.

Leave these boring things. How was your past month, Ash? Exciting or just the usual stuff? I hope it would’ve been stirring, because for me it was. I had a lot of masti with my friends. We even went to Diamond Harbour . It was a nice place to visit. You see, I enjoy traveling, a lot. Well, let me tell you a secret. It’s one of my cherished dreams. We all have some, don’t we? Dreams for which we live, we die. Well, mine is to travel the whole world – with my soulmate, if possible or just alone. To set out one day, without anyone’s knowledge, with nothing by my side, on my journey to the ends of the earth. To see the world, in its pristine majesty. To shout at the top of my voice at the Niagra Falls . To see how lone & deserted the Australian outback looks from the top of Uluru. To swim in the tidal waters of some secret beach in Thailand . To see the Masaais hunting in the endless plains of Serengeti. To climb the grandiose heights of the snow covered Alps . To douse myself in one of those very rare rains in Paris . Oh, there’s so much to see & so less time. I don’t even know how I am going to complete this dream of mine. Wherefrom am I going to get the money to undertake such a long journey. But that really doesn’t matter, you see. At least, I know what I want. That’s half the battle won. For the rest, I will make it happen some way. I have that much faith in myself.

Oh, see I am so fond of digressing that I even forgot to ask you how your Holi was. Must’ve been rocking, huh? With your friends, smearing colors on each others faces, shouting & doing all sorts of freaky things – Holi has its own charm. Among all the festivals that I celebrate, I think I like Holi the most. With all the raw energy & enthusiasm, holi is an ideal gala for us youngsters. But apart from that there’s another reason that I love Holi. It reminds me of the importance of colors in our life. Just imagine a world devoid of colors, painted in shades of dull grey – how monotonous it’d have been. The blood red sun setting over the endless blue ocean smearing the heavens with a hue of fiery orange, the bright yellow blossoms of mustard peeping out of fresh green fields of some farmer whose wife draped in multicolored finery brings him his lunch – every color has an identity; every color has a story behind it. You know, when I was a child my grandmother used to tell me stories related to colors – how they came to be named as such. I don’t remember them now. Maybe someday when I am able to recall some of them, I will tell them to you. Those sweet stories from my childhood. You see, I don’t remember many things now. But still, I do have their imprints on my mind. Imprints that are indelible. Memories are so akin to these colors of Holi – vivid when fresh; they fade away with passage of time. They become lighter & lighter until one day they blend with their surroundings & fade away into oblivion. Memories & colors are so similar.

Another thing, it rained on the Holi night. It was so thrilling. My sleep was broken by the incessant whoosh of the chilly winds reverberating through the walls of my empty room. To add to the delight, the lights went out suddenly. I went to the rooftop of my house. The drizzle had just begun. After so many days of hot & humid weather, this cold rain was a welcome change. I drenched myself in the rains.

Do you like rains, Ash? Well, it’s a difficult question to ask from someone who has been a victim of the monsoon mess in Kolkata. Even then, I love rains. It is the one thing that has remained constant from my childhood. Actually, rains make me nostalgic. The smell of the first drops of rain on the parched ground brings back the memories of my childhood. The rhythms created by the droplets of rains falling on tin rooftops, getting wet in the rain, running in the waterholes with your friends & splattering mud on each other and floating paper boats in the drains overflowing with muddy water. After all the mischief, coming back home to be scolded by your mother at first, but then to be served with hot tea & tasty pakoras. Those were the days. So full of fun, so careless. Free from all the worries of the world. Sometimes I am forced to think – why can’t we become more like children & less like adults.

How did we lose our innocence, Ash? How did we become so complex? When did we start taking our lives so seriously? How the hell we became so shrewd as to wear masks each day & for every occasion? How?

Perhaps to counter this transformation, I kept my childishness alive, somewhere deep within me. I have been accused of hiding my insecurities behind my childishness & criticized for it. And for once, I’d even decided to do away with my childishness so as to suit others. But the things that I did to make myself delectable to others, made me distasteful to those who cared about me the most. That day, I learnt a lesson. You can’t make everyone happy in this world. You may change yourself in any way you like, but there will be people who will disapprove of you. But the people who love you, who care about you, will never judge you for what you are. Because they love you for what you are, not what you can be. If someone loves you, he must accept you as you are. If he wants to change you, then what was it that he loved in the first place, isn’t it?

Ash, I just want to tell you that I love you as you are, whatever that may be. I accept you for all your worth & for all your shortcomings, too. Whether you accept my love, that’s your decision and I swear, I shall respect it. So just be yourself. I LOVE YOU.

So much for now. I have said so many things, but I feel as if I have still more to say.  Like the previous time, I will again ask you to reply, if you trust me (No issues even if you don’t – Reply only when you feel you can trust me). I will catch up with you in my next letter. Till then, goodbye & take care.

With lots of love,

Yours

Ascetic Wanderer

P.S. Never stop drinking tea. That’s the only way I get a glimpse of you.

Seven Letters From A Wanderer: The First Letter

A VALENTINE'S DAY SURPRISE!!!

 

14 February, 2009

Hi Ash,

As you know, today is Valentine’s Day. I hope you are reading this letter today, i.e., on 14^th of February (not that it makes any difference, but still I’d feel good). The possibilities are dim (who, after all, checks official e-mail account on Valentine’s Day); still, I am happy that at least you’re reading this. I thought let me give you a surprise. There is so much to tell you that I don’t know where to start. I am not even sure that you want to know. Anyway, it is only an e-mail. You can just delete it, if you don’t.

You know, everyone in this world aspires to achieve some dream. You chase your dream with all your effort. You toil day and night and overcome mighty hurdles to obtain your dream. But somewhere in the midst of your journey, when you turn back to look at the past that you have lost, you find nothing but an emptiness. In the quest of your dream, you make yourself alone. You forget that the stairs of success you are climbing have no end to them. The more one climbs, the more of it appears. And with every step, you have to get rid of your belongings. What are these belongings – can you guess? They are nothing but your friends & relations. Those, who once mattered more than your life, become just that – belongings to get rid of.  And one day, when you stop & look around yourself, you see the futility of your quest. You realize that in hope of some illusory happiness, you have lost the small joys of your life. You have become alone. Yes, alone. The quest for success makes a man so forlorn, so lonely.

Loneliness is such a painful thing - especially, when you’re part of a fast-moving, merciless & callous city. Where dreams are crushed underfoot every day, and not even a single sigh escapes from anyone’s lips. Where a million souls respire, and yet you feel the strangest soullessness. Where the sense of being alone, even in the midst of a surging crowd, becomes so overwhelming that sometimes you feel like shrieking at the top of your voice, just to know that you’re alive. The heart pines for the proximity of someone who can listen to the laments of your soul. And that is why we need love. Because, love gives us strength. The strength to carry on.

There are a billion lives on this planet. What does a single life matter? What is the significance of the life of an ordinary man? Who cares what happens to anybody else? But when you’re in love, you begin to understand the answers. Because when you love somebody, you take an oath. An oath that whatever may be the circumstances, whatever the state of affairs, the life of your beloved will not go unnoticed. That you will be there, through times, both good & bad. You will stand shoulder to shoulder, throughout his rise. You will hold him tightly, for his every stumble. You will forward a helping hand, on his every fall. You will be there to say that you care. Perhaps, that’s the reason, they say, love is beautiful. Who would not give his life to get that love?

Have you ever loved someone? Have you ever felt the extreme joy that surges in the heart on just the sight of someone? Is there someone with whom you can talk for hours & hours & yet feel that you haven’t talked at all? When even long silences between both of you become hours of cheerful converse. Have you ever placed your head on someone’s shoulder & forgotten all the sorrows of the world? Have you ever woken up on a bright morning with your heart throbbing in the anticipation of meeting someone? Have you ever felt alive?

You must be thinking why the hell am I telling you all this! Rest assured, everything has a purpose.

Let me tell you something else. Do you believe in destiny? It is a strange thing – this destiny. Unknown to us, it spins a stunning web of coincidences & uncertainties. Sitting at a precise moment, it is difficult to see the connotations of those coincidences. But with the passage of time, we begin to perceive the meaning of these flukes. When we realize the whole plan, we begin to appreciate the beauty of the plan.

Have you ever wondered that maybe there is someone with whom you always cross your paths? Your eyes meet for a moment & then you go on separate ways – to meet again the next day. You don’t even realize, but destiny begins spinning its web. You go on with your life in oblivion, indifferent to the world. But for someone else - you have become the world.

This Valentine, I’d just like to tell you that for someone somewhere in this world you have become the solace of heart. Who is happy, because you are happy. Whose heart melts, with every twinkle in your eyes that appears when you smile. Who flows, in every tear that trickles down your eyes when you’re in sorrow.  Who is alive, because you breathe. This Valentine I want to convey you that you’re not alone - because I’m with you. Because

I LOVE YOU.

Surprised? I had told you - destiny is a strange thing, my dear. It is curious that unknown to you, there are people who love you; who’ll do anything for you. And yet, you languish for love & companionship, without even realizing that it is so near to you. You just need the eyes to see it; the hands to grab it.

So, what next? I’d say – nothing. One thing I’ve learnt in my life – never hide your feelings in your heart. Let them pour out. So that, in future I would not have any regrets. There will be no “ifs”, “buts” or “maybes”. I’ve promised to myself that I’ll never ever say ‘if only…’. We are hungry for love; and nothing gives us more pleasure than the feeling of being adored, being sought after. That’s why I think I needed to tell you all this.  I owe you that. I owe you much more. I wish someday we’ll be able to meet face to face.

But before that I want to listen to you. If you’ve faith in me, reply back. I expect nothing from you. Just your trust. Your thoughts, your reflections, your hopes, your aspirations, your joys, your sorrows – anything you’d like to share (even your abuses for me, if any). As my friends say, I’m a good listener. And who knows, maybe we can become good friends, at least.

So much for now. Looking forward to hear from you.

Love,
Ascetic Wanderer.

PS: You look very handsome in black formals. Wear them more often.