GOODBYE...
September 14, 2009
Hi Ash,
How could I have been so blind, so foolish? How did I not see
what was so apparent, so obvious? How did I meander on the path that I was not
supposed to be treading on? How? You never loved me. You never said it. Your
silence was your apathy. I took it for your acceptance. The acceptance of
myself. The acceptance of a friend. Oh, how did I act so imprudently?
A bud needs proper sunlight & adequate water to grow into a
charming plant bowing down with flowers. A
helpless lamb needs appropriate nourishment to grow into a strong ram.
Similarly, love needs reciprocation to grow into a bond. In absence of
reciprocation, it becomes revulsion. And I don’t want to hate you, Ash. So, I
have decided to stop. To end this story here & now. Let the story of my love
remain incomplete. Let the story of my life remain incomplete.
Life, as I see it, is nothing but a series of choices. But for
every choice we make, there are some inevitable consequences. Positive or
negative, it doesn’t matter. But there are consequences, period. And the thing
to understand is that we are responsible for the consequences. The freedom of
choice is necessarily accompanied by responsibility. Productive or futile, good
or evil, whatever the result, the onus is always upon us. We have the will to choose.
That maybe, perhaps, the greatest boon for us. But in a way it is a bane, too.
Because we are forced to choose for ourselves, the responsibility, too, is
thrust upon us. As someone
has rightly observed – we are “condemned to be free.”
This, perhaps, is the greatest fear of man. To the moment a
person is assured that the thread of his life is in some other being’s hand
(God’s as per theistic concepts), that the course of his life is being guided
by some unknown hidden principle, he is free of unease. For there is always
someone or something to put the blame on, for every wrong that’s happening to
you, isn’t it? But what if
everything you believed in crumbles? What if you realize that there is no such
unknown hidden principle? What then? Then, all our attempts to absolve
ourselves of our responsibilities, appears nothing but a futile endeavor at
self-deception. By denying ourselves of the responsibility of our choices, we
deceive ourselves, keep ourselves in dark.
Eight months ago, even I made a choice. A choice, too bold by
any standards – to disclose my heart, my feelings to you. That day I had no
idea, what future has in store for me. I
had not the slightest idea what the consequences, the repercussions of my
action would be. It was as if I had been blinded by my love. Only one thing I
knew – I love Ash & Ash should know it. ‘The only
way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Resist it, & your soul
grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself.’ Right,
isn’t it? So, finally, I gave in to my temptation.
My love for you has undergone so many upheavals that a book can
be written on it. Let me give you a glimpse of my feelings for you as recounted
from my journal.
6th January
…I don’t know but I am slowly becoming obsessed with Ash. I
don’t know how but I am falling in love again. My heart jumps when I see Ash. I
love the way Ash smiles…
10th January
…Let no one fall in love. The pangs of love & the torments
of affection are too painful to bear…when Ash comes before me, I don’t know what
happens to me… I feel an unknown helplessness… I think I will die because of my
helplessness. Since I can’t admit my love for Ash. Never.
8th February
…Why do I never find it difficult to make friends with other
people?...But I am unable to unfurl Ash… Is there a chance Ash also likes
me & doesn’t know how to say it?...
14th February
I finally did it. Confessed my love for Ash… I do not know
whether this is right or wrong, good or bad. I just know that I’ve loved
somebody & it is important for me to tell the person that I love that person. The
consequences – I don’t know. Maybe, Ash will hate me forever. Maybe, Ash will accept
my proposal. I don’t know…
17th February
…no reply from Ash. My doubt was right – Ash has not read my
letter. I was too disappointed. But what else could I do, except for lamenting
upon my fate…
18th February
Slowly I’m getting a feeling that I was wrong about Ash… But I
can’t undo what has been done. I have loved Ash & that’s a fact. Nothing in
this world is going to change my love for Ash. If I can’t be the lover, at
least I’ll be a good friend…Nobody’s life is perfect. But we can at least
have perfect moments in our life. Maybe, I should strive for those perfect
moments…
23 February
… I am fed up of my constant longings. My desires know no end… I
have decided I will stop thinking about Ash. That doesn’t mean my love for Ash is dead. No, I can never stop loving Ash. But I’ll stop expecting love in return. It
gives me nothing but pain. And I can’t bear this pain anymore.
2nd March
How strange it is that I no more feel the pain that I used to
feel earlier! … Is it because now I don’t feel awkward anymore in Ash's vicinity?
… What I fear is being parted from Ash. Will I ever be able to confess my love? Will Ash understand me someday? Will Ash love me someday? I don’t know.
I really don’t know.
9th March
…but still somewhere deep inside, I feel the restlessness of a
lover unable to express love for the beloved … I feel so helpless. Why did
I fall in love with you, Ash? Why? …
26th March
…Creating castles in air, I hoped I’d live in them. But a small
shudder of reality shattered it to pieces… But this stupid heart of mine, how
should I make it understand? … Ash doesn’t love me. Not because Ash doesn’t want
to. But perhaps because Ash can’t… The sooner my heart wakes up to this reality,
the better it’ll be. Else, it’ll be too late.
…
8th July
… Do I love Ash or an idea of Ash? … An idea that exists only in
my mind. Is that conception same as the person that stands before me? … Why
does it always happens to me? Why do I never get the love I dream of? … I fear
the day when I will wake up from this dream & everything around me will
fall asunder. I fear what’ll happen if someday I have the realization that I
don’t love Ash. What’ll happen that day? Ash!! Before everything’s over, before
it’s too late, speak. Speak what you want. Or else, maybe, I won’t be there for
too long.
27th August
Ash said it today… I deserve this. I really deserve this…
Everything that has a beginning has an end. This story started
on the 14th of
February & here it ends, on 14th of September. Eight months, seven
letters. Seven letters – the seventh letter in the seventh month. Seventh
month? Did I just say that? But September is the ninth month, isn’t it? Yes,
now. But it wasn’t always like that. There used to be a time when September
used to be the seventh month. In those olden days, March had the honor of being
the first month of the year. And September – the seventh month – was held in
special veneration, for in this month the ancient Greeks celebrated the return
of Persephone, the daughter of Demeter, the goddess of grain & fertility
back to her mother from the confines of Hades, the Lord of the Underworld. Her
return was a symbol of the return of Spring to the world. And guess the day the
celebrations begun – 14th September. They celebrated the arrival of
Persephone, I lament upon the departure of my love.
One day I saw you & fell in love with you. I was incomplete.
I thought you’ll make me complete. I was wrong. A wanderer is condemned to
ramble here & there. He is not allowed to stay at one place for too long.
In a way, the story of a wanderer is always being added to & improved upon.
It is anything but complete. And those who try to complete it, are baffled by
its immensity & incomprehensibility. The story of my love was a similar
one.
Someone has said, “The
promise of anticipation always exceeds the pleasure of possession.” Maybe, I will cajole my heart to
believe that it is true. Maybe, there is some hidden good that my love was
never consummated.
You know, just a few days back, a friend of mine called me up.
He was very depressed. His girlfriend had betrayed him. She not only kept the
fact that she loved someone else a secret, but also used him to further her own
interests. She told him innumerable lies. And now, when he was of no more use
to her, she rejected him ruthlessly. All the while that I was listening to him,
I compared my situation with him. I could not help smiling (an ironic smile, of
course) as I uttered the following words when he had finished, “Which is more painful – betrayed
love or unrequited love? You loved her, although she pretended loving you. I
loved Ash, in spite of knowing that Ash will never love me. Which would you
choose, even though you know that it is only pain that is in your lot? Love,
indeed, is pain. And we can’t avoid it.”
Ash, I don’t know if I was right or wrong. What I did whether it
was legal or illegal. Because I don’t know whether love is legal or illegal.
But I should’ve understood that I’ve no rights. No right to love you. Not even
to touch you. Nothing. Do I even have the right to see you? I don’t know. I
have pulled myself too far, Ash. So far that I can’t even hear your voice, let
alone have a glimpse of you.
So, I stop here, Ash. This is the farewell. I do not know what
more to say. Just this much, that I have loved you; hence, a small place in my
heart has become yours, forever. Whenever you feel you want to say something
that you can’t express to others, just remember me. I’ll always be there to
listen to you, without judging you. Forgive me for any mistakes that I may have
committed during this long correspondence.
With
lots of love,
Only Yours,
Ascetic Wanderer
Only Yours,
Ascetic Wanderer
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