Crossroads

Seven Letters From A Wanderer: The Seventh Letter

2011-12-31T08:36:00.000-08:00

GOODBYE...

September 14, 2009

Hi Ash,

How could I have been so blind, so foolish? How did I not seewhat was so apparent, so obvious? How did I meander on the path that I was notsupposed to be treading on? How? You never loved me. You never said it. Yoursilence was your apathy. I took it for your acceptance. The acceptance ofmyself. The acceptance of a friend. Oh, how did I act so imprudently?

A bud needs proper sunlight & adequate water to grow into acharming plant bowing down with flowers. Ahelpless lamb needs appropriate nourishment to grow into a strong ram.Similarly, love needs reciprocation to grow into a bond. In absence ofreciprocation, it becomes revulsion. And I don’t want to hate you, Ash. So, Ihave decided to stop. To end this story here & now. Let the story of my loveremain incomplete. Let the story of my life remain incomplete.

Life, as I see it, is nothing but a series of choices. But forevery choice we make, there are some inevitable consequences. Positive ornegative, it doesn’t matter. But there are consequences, period. And the thingto understand is that we are responsible for the consequences. The freedom ofchoice is necessarily accompanied by responsibility. Productive or futile, goodor evil, whatever the result, the onus is always upon us. We have the will to choose.That maybe, perhaps, the greatest boon for us. But in a way it is a bane, too.Because we are forced to choose for ourselves, the responsibility, too, isthrust upon us. As someonehas rightly observed – we are “condemned to be free.”

This, perhaps, is the greatest fear of man. To the moment aperson is assured that the thread of his life is in some other being’s hand(God’s as per theistic concepts), that the course of his life is being guidedby some unknown hidden principle, he is free of unease. For there is alwayssomeone or something to put the blame on, for every wrong that’s happening toyou, isn’t it? But what ifeverything you believed in crumbles? What if you realize that there is no suchunknown hidden principle? What then? Then, all our attempts to absolveourselves of our responsibilities, appears nothing but a futile endeavor atself-deception. By denying ourselves of the responsibility of our choices, wedeceive ourselves, keep ourselves in dark.

Eight months ago, even I made a choice. A choice, too bold byany standards – to disclose my heart, my feelings to you. That day I had noidea, what future has in store for me. Ihad not the slightest idea what the consequences, the repercussions of myaction would be. It was as if I had been blinded by my love. Only one thing Iknew – I love him & he should know it. ‘The onlyway to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Resist it, & your soulgrows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself.’ Right,isn’t it? So, finally, I gave in to my temptation.

My love for you has undergone so many upheavals that a book canbe written on it. Let me give you a glimpse of my feelings for you as recountedfrom my journal.

6^th January

…I don’t know but I am slowly becoming obsessed with Ash. Idon’t know how but I am falling in love again. My heart jumps when I see him. Ilove the way he smiles…

10^th January

…Let no one fall in love. The pangs of love & the tormentsof affection are too painful to bear…when he comes before me, I don’t know whathappens to me… I feel an unknown helplessness… I think I will die because of myhelplessness. Since I can’t admit my love for him. Never.

8^th February

…Why do I never find it difficult to make friends with otherpeople?...But Ash – I am unable to unfurl him… Is there a chance he also likesme & doesn’t know how to say it?...

14^th February

I finally did it. Confessed my love for Ash… I do not knowwhether this is right or wrong, good or bad. I just know that I’ve lovedsomebody & it is important for me to tell him that I love him. Theconsequences – I don’t know. Maybe, he’ll hate me forever. Maybe, he’ll acceptmy proposal. I don’t know…

17^th February

…no reply from Ash. My doubt was right – Ash has not read myletter. I was too disappointed. But what else could I do, except for lamentingupon my fate…

18^th February

Slowly I’m getting a feeling that I was wrong about Ash… But Ican’t undo what has been done. I have loved Ash & that’s a fact. Nothing inthis world is going to change my love for him. If I can’t be his lover, atleast I’ll be his good friend…Nobody’s life is perfect. But we can at leasthave perfect moments in our life. Maybe, I should strive for those perfectmoments…

23 February

… I am fed up of my constant longings. My desires know no end… Ihave decided I will stop thinking about him. That doesn’t mean my love for himis dead. No, I can never stop loving him. But I’ll stop expecting his love. Itgives me nothing but pain. And I can’t bear this pain anymore.

2^nd March

How strange it is that I no more feel the pain that I used tofeel earlier! … Is it because now I don’t feel awkward anymore in his vicinity?… What I fear is being parted from Ash. Will I ever be able to confess my lovefor him? Will he understand me someday? Will he love me someday? I don’t know.I really don’t know.

9^th March

…but still somewhere deep inside, I feel the restlessness of alover unable to express his love for his beloved … I feel so helpless. Why didI fall in love with you, Ash? Why? …

26^th March

…Creating castles in air, I hoped I’d live in them. But a smallshudder of reality shattered it to pieces… But this stupid heart of mine, howshould I make it understand? … Ash doesn’t love me. Not because he doesn’t wantto. But perhaps because he can’t… The sooner my heart wakes up to this reality,the better it’ll be. Else, it’ll be too late.

…

8^th July

… Do I love Ash or an idea of Ash? … An idea that exists only inmy mind. Is that conception same as the person that stands before me? … Whydoes it always happens to me? Why do I never get the love I dream of? … I fearthe day when I will wake up from this dream & everything around me willfall asunder. I fear what’ll happen if someday I have the realization that Idon’t love Ash. What’ll happen that day? Ash!! Before everything’s over, beforeit’s too late, speak. Speak what you want. Or else, maybe, I won’t be there fortoo long.

27^th August

He said it today… I deserve this. I really deserve this…

Everything that has a beginning has an end. This story startedon the 14^th ofFebruary & here it ends, on 14^th of September. Eight months, sevenletters. Seven letters – the seventh letter in the seventh month. Seventhmonth? Did I just say that? But September is the ninth month, isn’t it? Yes,now. But it wasn’t always like that. There used to be a time when Septemberused to be the seventh month. In those olden days, March had the honor of beingthe first month of the year. And September – the seventh month – was held inspecial veneration, for in this month the ancient Greeks celebrated the returnof Persephone, the daughter of Demeter, the goddess of grain & fertilityback to her mother from the confines of Hades, the Lord of the Underworld. Herreturn was a symbol of the return of Spring to the world. And guess the day thecelebrations begun – 14^th September. They celebrated the arrival ofPersephone, I lament upon the departure of my love.

One day I saw you & fell in love with you. I was incomplete.I thought you’ll make me complete. I was wrong. A wanderer is condemned toramble here & there. He is not allowed to stay at one place for too long.In a way, the story of a wanderer is always being added to & improved upon.It is anything but complete. And those who try to complete it, are baffled byits immensity & incomprehensibility. The story of my love was a similarone.

Someone has said, “Thepromise of anticipation always exceeds the pleasure of possession.” Maybe, I will cajole my heart tobelieve that it is true. Maybe, there is some hidden good that my love wasnever consummated.

You know, just a few days back, a friend of mine called me up.He was very depressed. His girlfriend had betrayed him. She not only kept thefact that she loved someone else a secret, but also used him to further her owninterests. She told him innumerable lies. And now, when he was of no more useto her, she rejected him ruthlessly. All the while that I was listening to him,I compared my situation with him. I could not help smiling (an ironic smile, ofcourse) as I uttered the following words when he had finished, “Which is more painful – betrayedlove or unrequited love? You loved her, although she pretended loving you. Iloved him, in spite of knowing that he’ll never love me. Which would youchoose, even though you know that it is only pain that is in your lot? Love,indeed, is pain. And we can’t avoid it.”

Ash, I don’t know if I was right or wrong. What I did whether itwas legal or illegal. Because I don’t know whether love is legal or illegal.But I should’ve understood that I’ve no rights. No right to love you. Not evento touch you. Nothing. Do I even have the right to see you? I don’t know. Ihave pulled myself too far, Ash. So far that I can’t even hear your voice, letalone have a glimpse of you.

So, I stop here, Ash. This is the farewell. I do not know whatmore to say. Just this much, that I have loved you; hence, a small place in myheart has become yours, forever. Whenever you feel you want to say somethingthat you can’t express to others, just remember me. I’ll always be there tolisten to you, without judging you. Forgive me for any mistakes that I may havecommitted during this long correspondence.

Withlots of love,
Only Yours,
Ascetic Wanderer

Seven Letters From A Wanderer: The Sixth Letter

2011-12-31T08:03:00.000-08:00

A LOVE OR AN INFATUATION?

July 14, 2009

Hi Ash,

You know,recently I was thinking about my past life. The kind of person that I had been,I never believed in love. For most of my life I considered love to be a fool’sdealing. I laughed at people who did stupid things in love. I always wonderedhow can a person be so naïve so that he becomes ready to commit his whole lifeto just a single person. Never did I believe in love, nor did I had theslightest idea that one day I will be the prey of its darts. Now I know what afool I had been. To assume that I will not fall in love. To think that I wasabove these petty emotions. It was a stupid notion. Who knew that of allfeelings, love is the most powerful? To challenge love was to challenge Natureitself. And how can one win against Nature?

But I swear,loving you has not been an easy job for me. Only I know how much pain I beareach day since I have loved you. The pain – it sometimes becomes so agonizing.Each day I look at you with a sole thought in my heart, “Does he feel anythingat all?” and one and only prayer on my lips, “Please read my heart through myeyes.” The day I loved you, I realized - to love is not so easy. Because loveis not just about liking someone. It is mostly sustaining that like.

It’s very easyto fall for something or someone. We feel attracted to many things in our life.We like them. We adore them. But with the passage of time the intensity of ourliking diminishes. We get engaged into new things. A little later, wecompletely forget about the previous thing. That’s the normal course of ourlikes.

But love –it’s different. When we love someone, we love him inspite of all hislimitations & weaknesses. Maybe we are two completely different people,maybe our thoughts do not match, maybe my expectations & your efforts donot match, but we will never stop liking each other. We will always be fond ofeach other. Because we love each other. Isn’t it, Ash?

So, you mayask – Do I like you or I love you? To speak the truth, I don’t know. I don’tknow how to differentiate between the two. How do I tell them apart? If it’sonly the duration that we have to consider, then perhaps I have sustained mylike long enough so as to promote it to love. What should I say? I think aboutyou day & night. I see you in my dreams; some of them I do see with my eyesopen. My heart leaps every time I see you smile. Every pore of my body radiatesan ecstasy unparalleled, when your eyes meet mine. If this is not love, then Idon’t know what is.

Long ago, Ihad heard a charming Chinese folktale. It’s about a young & pretty damselwho falls in love with a ghost who is always in a coat. Every night they meetin the woods, where they talk for hours until the Eastern horizon is painted inthe hues of red & gray. They play in the sparkling waters of the spring andswing in the branches of the stooping trees. They sing and dance & thewhole nature joins in with them. Thus the slothful days of warm summer &leafless autumn pass away quickly to usher in the cold winter. And then thereis a snowfall so heavy that the lovers are unable to meet for many consecutivedays. Feeling restless, the damsel scuttles out to meet her lover one day,forgetting to take any warm clothes with her. Shivering with cold, she reachesher lover who is waiting for her in the same coat under the same sycamore onwhose branches they swung in the summers. The ghost looks at his love – herlips blue & her eyes closing. And without any second thoughts, he wraps thedamsel in his coat. A smile plays on her lips. But soon it grows fainter. Becausebefore her eyes, her lover slowly fades away into the air. For oblivious to herwas the verity that her lover, the ghost, was under the curse to depart fromthe confines of this world on the touch of snow – the reason he always wore acoat. The apparition fades with the final goodbye, exchanging his existence forher – giving her a new life forever. And the nature sings an elegy in honour ofthe ill-fated lovers whose love was doomed from the beginning.

I don’t knowwhy but this tale touched my heart. It’s a simple story. But still it’s sopoignant, that I can’t help remembering it. For it tells that even in death wecan find meaning. Someday, I wish even I would cover you with my coat. Perhapsthat’ll be my ultimate ode to you. And perhaps that’ll depict whether I likeyou or love you.

With Love,

Forever Yours,

Ascetic Wanderer

Seven Letters From A Wanderer: The Fifth Letter

2011-12-30T05:33:00.000-08:00

DOOMSDAY

14 June 2009

Hi Ash,

What’s up, bud? Hope you’re enjoying your time in Kolkata - well, the catch being whether you can really enjoy in the weather that is prevalent here. Still, we human beings somehow find means of cosseting ourselves in pleasures, however small. Isn’t that what differentiates us from the rest of the living world?

From weather, I can’t help mentioning that formidable mother of disaster, the cyclone Aila. Goodness gracious, what an experience it was. I don’t know about you, but as far as I am concerned this was my first tryst with a climatic calamity of any sorts (barring earthquakes, the worst of which I have seen during my childhood). As mentioned in the Bible, it appeared as if the ‘floodgates of the Heaven’ had been opened. The mild winds turned into a torrent of immense vigour. The same breeze, that fetches us the much needed relief from the scorching heat of the summers, had somehow forsaken its abetting nature & had embraced the temperament of a giant hell-bent upon annihilating everything that hindered its path.

The state of the roads was even direr. Large trees, that had proudly withstood the assault of minor rains & thunderstorms, uprooted from their foundations, lay helplessly on the roads, thus blocking them. The sides of the roads, which had been invariably lined with small stalls & booths selling everything from food-items, cigarettes, candies and SIMs, appeared uncannily clear. The impermanent planks or sheets of the walls of those stalls had been blown away by the outrageous gush of the high speed wind. Abandoned in a hurry, they had been victim of the nonchalance of their masters. The cyclone not only blew away the shops, but also thwarted the hopes & aspirations of families associated.

The rush of the people on the roads was even more extraordinary. With the declaration of an emergency holiday by the government, it appeared as if someone had hurled a stone at a bee-hive. Huge flock of people poured out onto the streets from offices, institutes, schools & colleges. Everyone wanted to reach the safe havens of their home as soon as possible. After all, everyone wants their loved ones near them at the time of calamity. Even the safest of places cannot give you the same sense of relief that being in your own home in such a situation provides. The home, after all, is special.

But this congregation made the matters worse. The buses came packed to the brim. There were no empty taxis or autos available. Moreover, the speed of the wind was increasing minute by minute. Standing beside the road, waiting for my bus, I was thinking how the hell I would reach home in case I couldn’t get a bus. I was completely drenched in the downpour & the gush of the wind was not allowing me to stand steady at one place. It was as if fifty men were pushing at my back at the same time.

Even in such a dismal situation, I couldn’t help smiling at the way people were coping up with the cyclone. The few people who tried to counter the cyclone with their tiny umbrellas soon learnt of the futility of their attempts. There was a lady who was trying her hand at many tasks at one time at this point of emergency. Talking with somebody on a cellphone in one hand, she was trying to control both the umbrella in her other hand and the shroud wrapped around her neck. The umbrella, in the excitement of the moment, abandoned its age old disposition of convexity, and became concave. Even the shroud of the lady, weary of its delicate mistress, was trying to soar high in the sturdy arms of Aila. The lady, it seemed as if, was unaware of the misery of the circumstances, for it appeared that she was busy in a frivolous talk with her beloved.

Apart from her, there were some school children who were much too happy to get a chance to drench themselves in the downpour. Hurling the dirty waters of the mud pools at each other, they didn’t seem to be in a hurry to reach home.

I was too involved in watching those children. Suddenly, my absorption was broken by a shivering voice from my back. I turned back. Standing before me, there was an old man, perhaps in his sixties, with an umbrella in his hand & a bag over his shoulder. He was asking me the time. I told him the time. He smiled at me & complained about the weather. I smiled back at him & replied how I had been standing there for the past twenty minutes with no bus in sight. This small courtesy on my part started a string of conversation. He told me about his job as a lecturer at some college for past 25 years and of his family of two sons both of whom had settled outside Bengal & a wife who must be desperately waiting for her husband to return home. I asked him whether his sons come to visit him often. He said they do but only once in a year during the Durga puja. I listened to him intently, picturing the loneliness of this old couple in a house bereft of the laughter of their grandchildren & the candid converse of their sons & their respective wives. Life had been good to him, he said, the only fear being what will happen to his wife in case anything happens to him. I was speechless. I had no idea what to say, so I gave him a smile. A smile that conveyed that I understood. I do not know whether he realized it, but the next question was for me. I told him about myself & my family. How I was working & sending money back home. I do not know why but he was very pleased with my answer. “May God bless you,” he said.

Suddenly, a joy spread over his face. I turned my head in the direction he was looking. 71A – this was the number on the bus. He bid me good-bye and put his hand on my head. “Always respect your parents & give them love & a little of your time. They deserve it.” These were his final words before he climbed onto the bus & was lost in the crowd in the bus. I stood there, looking at the bus until it completely vanished from my sight, unaware that the rains were beating on my face.

Not long after that, I saw my bus coming. Luckily, it was not as packed as I had imagined. Hopefully I got an empty seat in the bus. And as it happens ofttimes, the sense of security brings to your mind a ceaseless stream of isolated thoughts. I thought how calamities can bring together completely unknown people & make friends out of them. The old man & I, maybe both of us wait for our respective buses at the same spot everyday. If we had met on any other day, possibly we would have just passed by each other, completely oblivious of the life of the other. But this thunderstorm, this cyclone tied the knot of acquaintance between us. I think we, sometimes, desperately need someone who will just listen to us without judging us. Perhaps, the old man would have been happy talking to this stranger who not only listened to him but also sympathized with him. Even I felt a sense of contentment that I was doing something worthy of appreciation. And his counsel – I will never forget it till the end of my life. And neither should you, Ash.

I must say I was relieved on reaching my home. The severe thunderstorm had resulted in a power-cut. So, there prevailed a pitch-black darkness in my house. But still the sense of being at home was much too lifting to be dampened by such trivialities. I called my friends to make sure they are safe. We shared our experiences, laughing & making jokes over the phone. And at last, I also called my parents to tell them I am safe, all the while thinking about the old man.

The destruction wreaked by Aila on Kolkata was there to see the next day. As if the sights I had seen were not enough, the newspapers were filled with pictures of the victims of the cyclone. I thought - if a mere ten hours of cyclone can bring such devastation upon a city like Kolkata, what of those areas that were still far from the magic touch of the urban revolution, where even the basic amenities of the cities were a thing of luxury. And unknown to me, my most dreaded nightmares were taking shapes far away somewhere in the deltas of the surging Ganga & colossal Brahmaputra. The virgin beauty of the Sunderbans was being ravaged by the merciless Aila.

Whatever, with the government still trying to rehabilitate those displaced from their homes by the cyclone, the least we can do is send them help of any sorts. I have done so & believe that you have done the same.

What were your experiences during the storm, Ash? Did anything extra-ordinary happen with you? If yes, then I would love to listen to them. And as I have told you many times, I have got no problems listening even to your jabbering (in which I am an expert). Keep smiling & sustain the patience that you have shown till now. Looking forward to your reply.

With lots of love,

Only yours,
Ascetic Wanderer

Seven Letters From A Wanderer: The Fourth Letter

2011-01-04T10:27:00.000-08:00

A BRIEF INTERLUDE

14 May 2009

Hello!

What’s up, tiger? Must be really busy these days, isn’t it? Well, don’t get so involved in your work that you forget to take care of your health. Or else, you’ll lose your wily cuteness. Oops! Opposite words, aren’t they – wily and cute? For others, maybe. For me they sum up to - of course, you, my dear.

Jokes apart, how was your last month? Anything exciting, huh? You must be really getting bored of the same question posed by me month after month. But what should I do? You never answer me. So, I keep on repeating the same question regularly. Anyways, let me ask you a different question. It’s been four months since I’ve been conversing with you through my letters. I don’t even know if ‘converse’ is the proper word, because it’s me who does all the ‘talking’. And that is precisely my question – Do you really not have any curiosity to know me? To know more about this stupid fellow who keeps on writing letters to you month after month? What do you feel about that person? Is it a sense of bewilderment or a strong feeling of repulsion? I am asking you this, because I want to know if my letters are really reaching you. I have got no idea whether these stupid contemplations of mine make any impression upon you. But I would love to know, if you wish to share your feelings.

Sitting here in my room, writing this letter to you, I am thinking where this mess is going to lead me to. Does it have an end? If yes, then I can’t see it at present. And perhaps I am aware that this is nothing but a futile attempt on my part to find the love of my life. The stupid that I was, I wanted to plot the course of my life on my terms. But today I feel so helpless, when I discern that I have no control over my life. Or else, why would’ve I fallen for you? Why would have I loved you?

Who knew love would be so difficult? Love, after all, happens in a jiffy. If people really gave so much thought, would they dare love anyone? But still, a part of my heart believes, they would. Even with the understanding that love involves pain, people would like to fall in love again and again. Because, in spite of the pain & the grief involved, love soothes, love heals, love uplifts the soul. Love has the power to pull us out of the nadir of sorrows & misfortunes. But alas! I don’t have that love. I shall not lie. I expected it of you. But you have your own reservations. And I don’t blame you. It’s your life, and it’s your decision. I can only abide by it.

Well, leave these things. Just now a thought descended upon my mind. It’s always that I am talking about my life, my hopes, my aspirations, but I’ve never asked you about yours. What is your aim in life, Ash? What is the thing that you are passionate about & would really do anything to achieve? What’s the goal of your life?

You know, we all need to have some aim in our life. Life is nothing but a chaotic succession of events. We, as human beings, are supposed to bring order out of this chaos. The river always flows towards the sea. The fire always rises towards the heaven. Here, the sea & the heaven symbolize the aim of the river & the fire, respectively. In the same way, we need to have an aim in life. It may be anything – to achieve a particular point in your career ladder, to do something in your life that you love to do or even, to gain someone’s love. An aim is necessary because it gives meaning to our chaotic lives. This aim, this emotional hook steers your life. Find the hook, dear, if you haven’t. Just give it a thought, Ash. How do you want to bring meaning to your life?

As for me, I have told you about my aim in a previous letter. Yeah, to travel the whole world. I had told you in my previous letter that I've an innate incapability to stay still. I’ve been, should I say, condemned to the life of a wanderer. I can’t stay at one place for a very long time. I’ve been damned to leave behind my ties & start off on a new journey. Every time I reach a new place, I resolve that I will not just leave this time. This is the final journey. But with time, my heart becomes restless. I long for the joy of being in transit. As the days proceed, I know that I’ve to follow the call of my destiny. And then, one day, I do what I am best at – running away. Running away from those I love, running away from those I hate. Running away from life, running away from everything.

In a way, running away for me has become a kind of redemption. Redemption for all the wrongs that I have inflicted upon those who loved me. I have hurt many people, Ash. I do admit it. Because, now I clearly see how my utterings have wounded the people who wanted nothing but my good. By running away, I try to redeem myself. Maybe, one day I’ll be strong enough to ask for their forgiveness. That day, I will make a return journey. That’ll be my solitary spiritual quest to obtain the ultimate absolution.

You must be wondering, why the hell is this person always so grave, isn’t it? Always talking about hefty things in life, never rejoicing in the lighter moments. Yeah, it is true to some extent. Sometimes, some events, some experiences in your life force you to change your outlook towards life. Sometimes, they make people more serious, sometimes more casual. Perhaps, something on similar terms has happened with me. Maybe, someday I will find the strength to disclose everything to you. But rest assured, I am not such a grim person as I may appear in my letters. This delusion of yours (if there is any) will vanish when you meet me (And God knows when is that going to happen).

I'm sorry but I think I've reached the end of today's monologue. Yeah I know, this time it's too small. To compensate, the next one will be lengthy enough. Still, another long month before I bore you again. So, how are you going to spend this month without my unusually stretched blabbering. Here’s a suggestion from your unknown friend. Just love somebody, Ash. And see how the world around you changes so rapidly. Everything appears new, everything’s different. The songs of the birds become more melodious while the blossoms become more fragrant. The days become soothing & the nights warmer. It seems as if the whole nature joins in to celebrate your joys. Fall in love, dude. It’s an experience that you must never miss. Yes, there’s a little pain in it. But still the happiness it abounds, more than justifies the pain. And yes, do not forget to share your joy. It will increase a thousand fold. Moreover, I would love to listen to your experience about love. After all, who shall be gladder than me on your happiness? Take Care & keep smiling. Till next time, good-bye.

With lots of love,
Only Yours,
Ascetic Wanderer

Seven Letters From A Wanderer: The Third Letter

2011-01-03T10:22:00.000-08:00

A NEW SEASON

15 April 2009

Hi Ash,

I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry. I am so sorry. It should have been on 14^th but today’s 15^th. Yeah, I know it’s my fault & no excuses for the delay. But some things are totally unpredictable & power supply in Kolkata is one among them. I hope you understand that & forgive my misdemeanor (plzzzz).

So, how’s life, Ash? Hope it’s stirring with loads of fun & frolic. As for me, it’s the usual boring stuff – studies & wandering here & there aimlessly in the city. I don’t know why but there’s this restlessness in me, an innate incapability to stay still. Rather I should say, I am happiest in transit. I am a person who believes in the constancy of change.

From change I remember, just the other day, I happened to notice the mango tree by the side of my house. The new red leaves were peeping out of the group of old green leaves. The fragrant white blossoms quivered in the morning breeze as the harbinger of a new season. The cuckoo cooed in its sweet tone hailing the advent of a new season. The season of dry leaves is over. The long summers have commenced.

Summers, for me, have always been associated with the month long vacations spent in the village with my grandparents. The idle mornings & the calm evenings of the rural milieu were what I always identified with the summer season. Have you ever been to a village, Ash? If you have then you’ll definitely know what I am talking about. Getting up early in the morning with the chirrup of the sparrows, frolicking & bathing in the river with your friends, the afternoon siestas in the cool breeze under the tamarind tree in the village orchard, playing gilli-danda in the evenings, herding the cows to their sheds when they return from the meadows at the cow-dust time (that’s what the villagers call it - Godhuli) & spending the night listening to tales of far-away countries from Grandma. These are my memories linked with the summers. How strange it is that sometimes just an inconsequential perception can shove in a torrent of hidden memories from the deepest corners of our mind, isn’t it?

Well, the past month, for me, was spent in thoughts and contemplation. I don’t know why these days I am feeling an uncanny sense of uneasiness. A dark mood of foreboding has, as if, engulfed me. Perhaps, I am too worried about my future. As if I have to reach somewhere & I couldn’t make out the way through the darkness that encircles me. Life, it seems, has reached a standstill. I desperately want it to move somewhere, to reach out for something, but I can’t make that happen. Many questions come into my mind. Like, what has the future in store for me? What do I want from my life? Why am I leading a life of so full of clichés? Why am I doing the things that I do? Even sometimes, what do I expect from you? Why the hell do I keep writing these letters to you? It becomes so frustrating at times.

The reason, I surmise, owes to my expectations. Perhaps, I expect too much from everybody & everything. It’s a fact that when we expect something & the outcome turns out to be just the opposite, we tend to get frustrated. So the solution, I think, is to stop expecting anything. Let life run its own course & let it unfold the magic within it, slowly & steadily by itself. Or maybe, it’s all just a passing phase that will fade away with time.

I have also thought a lot about you, the past month. You were always before my eyes irrespective of whether they were open or closed. I slept with my eyes open & remained awake in my sleeps. I had heard that this happens in love; but, I am experiencing it for the first time.

I still remember the first day I saw you. A radiant face, a twinkle in the eyes, a flashy smile – there was an inherent charm in you. Who had even the slightest idea that in such a small span of time, you’ll become inevitable for me?

Love is a strange thing. But love at first sight is stranger. How can we fall in love with someone whom we have never met before? How can we desire someone with whom we haven’t talked even once? Love at first sight, it is called. It takes nine months to bring forth a human life. But a human heart takes only an instant to born. It happens in the instant when one falls in love.

Sometimes I think, of all the people in the world, why I fell in love with you, Ash. What was that in you, which was missing in others? What did my heart find in you, that it couldn’t in others? Was it fate or just a coincidence? The agnostic that I am, it’s a little hard for me to believe that it was the former.

It is not falling in love that is hard to believe; but it’s the spontaneity associated that defies explanation. Perhaps because, I think, there are very few relations in my life that are spontaneous. I’ve always been very specific about who I want to be my friends & who not. I always chose my friends after much consideration. Since I invest too much into them, I have very few friends. But they are dearer to me than my life. I live for them & I’m ready to do anything for them. But with you, it was different. For the first time in my life, I wanted to live & perhaps, even die, for a person whom I didn’t even know well enough.

Hitherto, my existence had been an endless succession of hours, days, weeks & years lived for others. The whole story of my life till now is more a story of the trials & tribulations of the supporting characters than that of the protagonist. Leading this life of others, my own self, my identity – I’d lost it somewhere along the way. There’s no word ‘I’ the dictionary of my life. What was left of me was a dummy, who danced to other people’s whims & fancies. The life that I was leading, it was the zenith of my miseries. Sometimes I used to think, was it really worth it? Was I right when I obliterated my own self for other people?

But why am I telling you all this, right? Because you’re the one who is responsible for my resurrection. This life of wretchedness, that I was leading, I don’t know if ever I’d have brought it to a conclusion. But the moment you came into my life, everything changed in a moment. As if some little sprite had swiveled her magic wand, and transformed me into something alive.

People say love has the power to change. I’ve felt the change. In a splitsecond, my life was heaved into two parts. The first one, before you; the other, after you. The first where I just survived, and the second where I have started living. Survive & Live – maybe, they are just words to you; but for me, they describe my life – in concise. You don’t know how nice it feels to be alive, to be able to breathe again. There stretched an ominous gloom far & wide, when it appeared as if there was no salvation for me, I discovered you. When my soul was fighting, perhaps its last battle, against a melancholy whose sole objective was to stifle me to death, I found you. You became the herald of a new era of my life. And I am more than thankful to you for that. If there is anything that I can do for you, just tell me. I will do it even if that leads me to my ultimate destruction. It’s the least I can do for you.

You were the best thing that ever happened to me, Ash. Falling in love with you was bliss for me. There’ll always be a place for you in my heart for all my life. And everywhere I am, there you’ll be. Always.

Ash, I write these letters to you with a belief. A belief that you read my letters. That you lend an ear to my never-ending monologue. I have no way to confirm my belief. I do not even know whether you like it or not (my writing letters to you, I mean). Maybe, you straight away delete any mail that has Ascetic Wanderer as its sender. But my heart says no. I don’t know why I’ve this faith. Perhaps it’s your silence that speaks to me. I believe that in your person, I’ve found a friend, a patient listener. And that’s more than enough for me. Maybe I’m right, maybe I’m wrong. If I am right, then keep on your silence; but if I’m wrong, then say so. Just one word & I’ll stop. On this I give my word to you, with all the love that I’ve for you in my heart, that never again will I bother you. I will disappear from your life as silently as I had appeared. At least, I owe you that.

Good-Bye & Take Care.

With lots of love,

Ascetic Wanderer

P.S. I was just listening to a song when two lines caught my attention. It was as if my heart was speaking them. Perhaps you’d have heard the song. Here are the lines –

Pyar tumhein kitna karte hain, tum yeh samajh nahi paaoge

Jab hum na honge piharwaa, bolo tab kya aaoge…

Till next time, bye.

Seven Letters From A Wanderer: The Second Letter

2011-01-02T08:51:00.000-08:00

IT'S BEEN A MONTH

14 March 2009

Hi Ash,

Yeah, here I am once again. Hope you’re thriving with good health & great spirits. Well, did you read my last letter? I expect you have. So, what was your reaction – surprise and shock or loathing & repugnance? Or was there a feeling of denial that the maybe the letter was not intended for you at all? Maybe it was addressed to the wrong mail id. Clear your doubts, buddy – the letter was intended for you only. Its every word was reaching out to you only.

It’s been one month. One month - seems so long, doesn’t it? But it passes away in a jiffy. Really, time flies away so fast. There are so many things we think we have to do. We plan for them, we prepare for them with meticulous precision. We even complete some of them. But there are others that have to wait. For one reason or other, we fail to finish those chores. And they remain suspended as such, until one day we totally forget those errands. Their fate is to bite dust in some remote corners of our mind. But time – time carries on, in its own pace - too slow for some, scuttling for others - waiting for no one, towards its unknown destination. That’s the writ of the Fates.

Leave these boring things. How was your past month, Ash? Exciting or just the usual stuff? I hope it would’ve been stirring, because for me it was. I had a lot of masti with my friends. We even went to Diamond Harbour . It was a nice place to visit. You see, I enjoy traveling, a lot. Well, let me tell you a secret. It’s one of my cherished dreams. We all have some, don’t we? Dreams for which we live, we die. Well, mine is to travel the whole world – with my soulmate, if possible or just alone. To set out one day, without anyone’s knowledge, with nothing by my side, on my journey to the ends of the earth. To see the world, in its pristine majesty. To shout at the top of my voice at the Niagra Falls . To see how lone & deserted the Australian outback looks from the top of Uluru. To swim in the tidal waters of some secret beach in Thailand . To see the Masaais hunting in the endless plains of Serengeti. To climb the grandiose heights of the snow covered Alps . To douse myself in one of those very rare rains in Paris . Oh, there’s so much to see & so less time. I don’t even know how I am going to complete this dream of mine. Wherefrom am I going to get the money to undertake such a long journey. But that really doesn’t matter, you see. At least, I know what I want. That’s half the battle won. For the rest, I will make it happen some way. I have that much faith in myself.

Oh, see I am so fond of digressing that I even forgot to ask you how your Holi was. Must’ve been rocking, huh? With your friends, smearing colors on each others faces, shouting & doing all sorts of freaky things – Holi has its own charm. Among all the festivals that I celebrate, I think I like Holi the most. With all the raw energy & enthusiasm, holi is an ideal gala for us youngsters. But apart from that there’s another reason that I love Holi. It reminds me of the importance of colors in our life. Just imagine a world devoid of colors, painted in shades of dull grey – how monotonous it’d have been. The blood red sun setting over the endless blue ocean smearing the heavens with a hue of fiery orange, the bright yellow blossoms of mustard peeping out of fresh green fields of some farmer whose wife draped in multicolored finery brings him his lunch – every color has an identity; every color has a story behind it. You know, when I was a child my grandmother used to tell me stories related to colors – how they came to be named as such. I don’t remember them now. Maybe someday when I am able to recall some of them, I will tell them to you. Those sweet stories from my childhood. You see, I don’t remember many things now. But still, I do have their imprints on my mind. Imprints that are indelible. Memories are so akin to these colors of Holi – vivid when fresh; they fade away with passage of time. They become lighter & lighter until one day they blend with their surroundings & fade away into oblivion. Memories & colors are so similar.

Another thing, it rained on the Holi night. It was so thrilling. My sleep was broken by the incessant whoosh of the chilly winds reverberating through the walls of my empty room. To add to the delight, the lights went out suddenly. I went to the rooftop of my house. The drizzle had just begun. After so many days of hot & humid weather, this cold rain was a welcome change. I drenched myself in the rains.

Do you like rains, Ash? Well, it’s a difficult question to ask from someone who has been a victim of the monsoon mess in Kolkata. Even then, I love rains. It is the one thing that has remained constant from my childhood. Actually, rains make me nostalgic. The smell of the first drops of rain on the parched ground brings back the memories of my childhood. The rhythms created by the droplets of rains falling on tin rooftops, getting wet in the rain, running in the waterholes with your friends & splattering mud on each other and floating paper boats in the drains overflowing with muddy water. After all the mischief, coming back home to be scolded by your mother at first, but then to be served with hot tea & tasty pakoras. Those were the days. So full of fun, so careless. Free from all the worries of the world. Sometimes I am forced to think – why can’t we become more like children & less like adults.

How did we lose our innocence, Ash? How did we become so complex? When did we start taking our lives so seriously? How the hell we became so shrewd as to wear masks each day & for every occasion? How?

Perhaps to counter this transformation, I kept my childishness alive, somewhere deep within me. I have been accused of hiding my insecurities behind my childishness & criticized for it. And for once, I’d even decided to do away with my childishness so as to suit others. But the things that I did to make myself delectable to others, made me distasteful to those who cared about me the most. That day, I learnt a lesson. You can’t make everyone happy in this world. You may change yourself in any way you like, but there will be people who will disapprove of you. But the people who love you, who care about you, will never judge you for what you are. Because they love you for what you are, not what you can be. If someone loves you, he must accept you as you are. If he wants to change you, then what was it that he loved in the first place, isn’t it?

Ash, I just want to tell you that I love you as you are, whatever that may be. I accept you for all your worth & for all your shortcomings, too. Whether you accept my love, that’s your decision and I swear, I shall respect it. So just be yourself. I LOVE YOU.

So much for now. I have said so many things, but I feel as if I have still more to say. Like the previous time, I will again ask you to reply, if you trust me (No issues even if you don’t – Reply only when you feel you can trust me). I will catch up with you in my next letter. Till then, goodbye & take care.

With lots of love,

Yours

Ascetic Wanderer

P.S. Never stop drinking tea. That’s the only way I get a glimpse of you.

Seven Letters From A Wanderer: The First Letter

2011-01-01T06:52:00.000-08:00

A VALENTINE'S DAY SURPRISE!!!

14 February, 2009

Hi Ash,

As you know, today is Valentine’s Day. I hope you are reading this letter today, i.e., on 14^th of February (not that it makes any difference, but still I’d feel good). The possibilities are dim (who, after all, checks official e-mail account on Valentine’s Day); still, I am happy that at least you’re reading this. I thought let me give you a surprise. There is so much to tell you that I don’t know where to start. I am not even sure that you want to know. Anyway, it is only an e-mail. You can just delete it, if you don’t.

You know, everyone in this world aspires to achieve some dream. You chase your dream with all your effort. You toil day and night and overcome mighty hurdles to obtain your dream. But somewhere in the midst of your journey, when you turn back to look at the past that you have lost, you find nothing but an emptiness. In the quest of your dream, you make yourself alone. You forget that the stairs of success you are climbing have no end to them. The more one climbs, the more of it appears. And with every step, you have to get rid of your belongings. What are these belongings – can you guess? They are nothing but your friends & relations. Those, who once mattered more than your life, become just that – belongings to get rid of. And one day, when you stop & look around yourself, you see the futility of your quest. You realize that in hope of some illusory happiness, you have lost the small joys of your life. You have become alone. Yes, alone. The quest for success makes a man so forlorn, so lonely.

Loneliness is such a painful thing - especially, when you’re part of a fast-moving, merciless & callous city. Where dreams are crushed underfoot every day, and not even a single sigh escapes from anyone’s lips. Where a million souls respire, and yet you feel the strangest soullessness. Where the sense of being alone, even in the midst of a surging crowd, becomes so overwhelming that sometimes you feel like shrieking at the top of your voice, just to know that you’re alive. The heart pines for the proximity of someone who can listen to the laments of your soul. And that is why we need love. Because, love gives us strength. The strength to carry on.

There are a billion lives on this planet. What does a single life matter? What is the significance of the life of an ordinary man? Who cares what happens to anybody else? But when you’re in love, you begin to understand the answers. Because when you love somebody, you take an oath. An oath that whatever may be the circumstances, whatever the state of affairs, the life of your beloved will not go unnoticed. That you will be there, through times, both good & bad. You will stand shoulder to shoulder, throughout his rise. You will hold him tightly, for his every stumble. You will forward a helping hand, on his every fall. You will be there to say that you care. Perhaps, that’s the reason, they say, love is beautiful. Who would not give his life to get that love?

Have you ever loved someone? Have you ever felt the extreme joy that surges in the heart on just the sight of someone? Is there someone with whom you can talk for hours & hours & yet feel that you haven’t talked at all? When even long silences between both of you become hours of cheerful converse. Have you ever placed your head on someone’s shoulder & forgotten all the sorrows of the world? Have you ever woken up on a bright morning with your heart throbbing in the anticipation of meeting someone? Have you ever felt alive?

You must be thinking why the hell am I telling you all this! Rest assured, everything has a purpose.

Let me tell you something else. Do you believe in destiny? It is a strange thing – this destiny. Unknown to us, it spins a stunning web of coincidences & uncertainties. Sitting at a precise moment, it is difficult to see the connotations of those coincidences. But with the passage of time, we begin to perceive the meaning of these flukes. When we realize the whole plan, we begin to appreciate the beauty of the plan.

Have you ever wondered that maybe there is someone with whom you always cross your paths? Your eyes meet for a moment & then you go on separate ways – to meet again the next day. You don’t even realize, but destiny begins spinning its web. You go on with your life in oblivion, indifferent to the world. But for someone else - you have become the world.

This Valentine, I’d just like to tell you that for someone somewhere in this world you have become the solace of heart. Who is happy, because you are happy. Whose heart melts, with every twinkle in your eyes that appears when you smile. Who flows, in every tear that trickles down your eyes when you’re in sorrow. Who is alive, because you breathe. This Valentine I want to convey you that you’re not alone - because I’m with you. Because

I LOVE YOU.

Surprised? I had told you - destiny is a strange thing, my dear. It is curious that unknown to you, there are people who love you; who’ll do anything for you. And yet, you languish for love & companionship, without even realizing that it is so near to you. You just need the eyes to see it; the hands to grab it.

So, what next? I’d say – nothing. One thing I’ve learnt in my life – never hide your feelings in your heart. Let them pour out. So that, in future I would not have any regrets. There will be no “ifs”, “buts” or “maybes”. I’ve promised to myself that I’ll never ever say ‘if only…’. We are hungry for love; and nothing gives us more pleasure than the feeling of being adored, being sought after. That’s why I think I needed to tell you all this. I owe you that. I owe you much more. I wish someday we’ll be able to meet face to face.

But before that I want to listen to you. If you’ve faith in me, reply back. I expect nothing from you. Just your trust. Your thoughts, your reflections, your hopes, your aspirations, your joys, your sorrows – anything you’d like to share (even your abuses for me, if any). As my friends say, I’m a good listener. And who knows, maybe we can become good friends, at least.

So much for now. Looking forward to hear from you.

Love,
Ascetic Wanderer.

PS: You look very handsome in black formals. Wear them more often.

Antichrist (2009)

2010-09-19T11:32:00.000-07:00

Disturbed, a sense of uneasiness – that’s how I would describe my feeling after seeing Antichrist. An expectant deer delivering, with the kid half hanging from her uterus; a baby bird fallen from its nest, the ants wriggling on its body, biting at it when an eagle swoops down upon it and then lands upon a tree clasping it and tearing it apart piece by piece; a crow buried alive beneath the ground smashed to death with a piece of stone; a fox tearing apart its own intestines; a man’s genital spewing blood when masturbated; a woman cutting off her own clitoris with a pair of scissors - Antichrist thrives on loathsome scenes like this. What starts as a painful drama about a couple who have lost their only child (the disturbing premise being the child fell off an open window while the parents were indulged in sex) and are trying to cope with it, gradually turns into a gruesome psychological thriller involving a meditation on pain, grief and despair (the Three Beggars, as the film identifies them) on one hand while a commentary upon sex, life and death on the other. Trouble starts when the couple retreats to a cabin in a forest where bizarre visions and sadistic sexual behaviour overwhelms their life. The film contains scenes potent in medieval Catholic imagery and Christian symbolism as well as sadistic sexual fancies that can shock and provoke any normal audience. Wikipedia quotes an article published on the site breitbart.com that, “At least four people fainted during the preview due to the film's explicit violence.” You’ll have to see the film to judge the truth of the above report. The only soothing moments of the film are provided in the so called ‘Prologue’ and ‘Epilogue’ of the movie, where the beautiful aria ‘Lascia ch'io pianga’ runs in the background to some brilliant images in slow motion. The movie combines the beautiful camerawork of Anthony Dod Mantle with stunning performances by Willem Dafoe and Charlotte Gainsbourg. So what’s my judgment about the movie? Well, director Lars von Trier was quoted as saying, “was Antichrist my Inferno Crisis?” For my part, I think, it indeed was.

Music and Loneliness

2010-09-18T10:08:00.000-07:00

While returning home today after having my sumptuous dinner at Subway, I chanced upon a Folk Music concert going on beside the fish market in Keshtopur. Organised by the Viswakarma Puja Committee, Keshtopur, the concert featured little known singers singing Bangla folk music. The audience gathered seemed pretty familiar with the music. Although I am a complete stranger to Bangla folk music, I was attracted by the song. The singer was not extraordinarily gifted and you could feel the roughness in his voice; but the music – it had an enticing quality. I don’t know but that song aroused a strong sensation of loneliness within me. It had that haunting quality, so characteristic of folk music. I believe that folk music, if it is really good, has the capacity to linger on for a long time in your head and heart. And this song, that the singer was singing did stay behind in my mind. The song had a visual quality to it that made me envisage a lonely person walking down the dirt-ridden lanes of Kolkata and that song playing in the background. He was lost, bereaved of his friends and his family. Altogether alone. And the music – as if all thoughts from the farthest corners of his mind had taken the form of words and melody and beats and had surrounded him, lamenting upon his loss. It was a powerful image; I feel I could write a whole script or story around it. In the same way, as the image of a plastic bag, flying round and round in an alley, compelled Sam Mendes to create ‘American Beauty’. Or as Gulzar had said about that scene in Kamleshwar’s ‘Kitne Pakistan’ where the handkerchief of the heroine is falling down in a rotational motion from the foot-bridge, that he could write a complete novel out of that one scene. It was an image as powerful as that. I wish someday I would be able to include that scene and song in a movie that I’ll make.

LIQUID DREAMS...

2007-06-16T04:24:00.000-07:00

(I was just surfing thru some unknown profiles in ORKUT when I happened to come across this picture in the album of someone called **RoameR**. Sketched by him, he called it LIQUID DREAMS. I was enticed by the picture & words started taking shape in my mind. This is for those hands that carved such a beautiful masterpiece.)

Let the azure heavens above cover me no more
Nor the black earth below sustain me;
Let the hurricanes high on the sea falter my vessel
And the mighty winds tear my nest to pieces.
Let the shivering cold freeze my wavering thoughts
And the sparks of lightning obliterate my existence.
Let the beating rains steep me in apalling gore
And mountains high crop up to block my ways ahead.
Let the liquid dreams fade into oblivion
And the crystal hopes fall asunder
Let plastic trusts descry their annihilation
And trifling love wrap itself in an impassable drape.
Still, I shall find my way in solitude
Dark may be the night, invisible the road
'Cause I know, someone is waiting for me
With arms open wide, wherever ends this road.

TUM...

2007-06-11T07:43:00.000-07:00

(This is one of my first compositions in Hindi. Written for a friend, I hope it conveys my feelings unambiguously.)

नहीं जानता था मैं तुम्हें

पर तुम्हारे स्पर्श में था

वो अपनापन, वो प्यार

जिसने मेरे दिल में तुम्हारी

एक अमिट तस्वीर बना दी.

न जाने किस राह पर चला था

इस ज़िन्दगी को मुट्ठी में बांधे

ठोकर लगी तो ये जाना -

हर ओर अँधेरा था

मैं चीखा, चिल्लाया

पर कोई नज़र न आया!

मगर -

पाकर सहारा तुम्हारे मज़बूत हाथों का

मैं निकला उस स्याह अँधेरे से.

नज़र उठा कर देखा

तो था तुम्हारा हँसता चेहरा;

पर उन हंसती आँखों से

न जाने क्यूँ छलक पड़ी

आंसू की वो नन्ही बूँदें.

और जैसे मेरी सारी दुनिया

बह गयी उन बूंदों में.

धुंधली हुई छवि तुम्हारी

मैं दौड़ा -

सोचा तुम्हें रोक लूं

पर तुम हो चुके थे गुम

हवा की हलकी झोकों में;

बची रह गयीं सिर्फ यादें तुम्हारी

जिन्हें, कर मुट्ठी में बंद

मैं निकल पड़ा अनजान सफ़र पर

ना जाने किस अनजान डगर पर.

ENGLISH TRANSLITERATION

Nahin jaanta tha main tumhe
Par tumhare sparsh mein tha
Woh apnapan, woh pyar
Jisne mere dil mein tumhari
Ek amit tasveer bana di.

Na jaane kis raah par chala tha
Is zindagi ko mutthi mein baandhe
Thhokar lagi to yeh jaana -
Har or andhera tha
Main cheekha, chillaya
Par koi nazar na aaya!
Magar -
Paakar sahara tumhare majboot haathon ka
Main nikla us syah andhere se.
Nazar uthakar dekha
To tha tumhara hansta chehra
Par un hansti aankhon se
Na jaane kyon chhalak padi
Aansun ki woh nanhi boondein.
Aur jaise meri saari duniya
Bah gayi un boondon mein.

Dhundhli hui chhavi tumhari;
Main dauda-
Socha tumhein rok loon
Par tum ho chuke the gum
Hawa ki halki jhonkon mein;
Bachi rah gayin sirf yaadein tumhari
Jinhein, kar mutthi mein band
Main nikal pada anjaan safar par,
Na jaane kis anjan dagar par.

WHERE ART THOU?

2007-05-25T07:35:00.000-07:00

O Solace of my Heart! Where art thou?
Much have I traveled & much learnt
And yet, none lent a hand in my search unfailing.

Aye, I climbed the loftiest peaks of the Himalayas
And delved deep into the bosom of Poseidon
Yonder sailed to the farthest frontiers of fathomless Pacific
And shivered in the stinging chill of the Arctic -
I searched for thee in the Heavens.
I searched for thee in the Shades.
I smoldered in the fire of passion
To touch thee, to feel thee & to make thee mine.

The fleeting fragrance of thy frenzied breath
The seemly smile of thy enthralling visage
The velvet smoothness of thy aspen arms
The untainted silks of thy brazen hair
Touches me still -
Brings in thy memories, of seconds ephemeral spent together
Under the shades of the surreptitious oak
Near the surging streams of the sparkling brook
Where the vibrant sun burnished our bodies
Filtered through the green leaves trembling in the wind;
Where thine soul touched me ; and mine, of thee.
Nature stood there beholding us in elation
The joys of Spring, the ecstasies of Summer
The silence of Autumn, & the pain of Winter
Were those times genuine, or the phantasms of a possessed psyche?

And now that thou art gone
The sizzling sun scorches me no more
Nor do the beating rains drench me to sore
Am I still that figurine of flesh & blood
Or have I become a shade, invisible like air?

O Solace of my Heart! Where art thou?
I search for thee in the Heavens.
I search for thee in the Shades.
Come, my love! Return back to me wherever thou art.
I will love thee, adore thee & worship thee in my heart.
Come, beloved! Come & fill my heart with love long lost.

IN DREAMS

2007-05-20T11:18:00.000-07:00

I close my eyes and search my heart
To find a mind trying to keep me alert
The shades of black and white do I perceive
Its nothing legible that I receive.

The picture of a world so dreary and gloomy
The ruins of an empire envisage me
The invidious laughter of someone I hear
And feel the presence of something cold near.

Is it my fear that confronts my conscience
Or is it the terrible fate that before me whines?
I open my eyes in a sudden jiffy. To my pleasure
I find Hope, dazzling & gleaming, in the azure.

Yours Radha...

2007-04-08T01:47:00.000-07:00

[This is for everyone who has loved & lost. In the name of love...]

Kanha,

That day, when for the first time I saw you, I knew that there was something unique about you. You were different from others. My heart cried to me, “This is Him, Radha. He is the one - your eternal love.” Yes, you are my eternal love. My love was not a suckling infant, it had seen ages; its seeds lie in the womb of time – it was the fruition of the love between the Brahman & the Atman. Who are you? What are you? It doesn’t matters to me. For someone you’re the Godhead, for others Maya incarnate. Somebody calls you son, for others you are a brother. But for me you are Kanha, only Kanha. My Kanha…

What is love? An emotion or a disfigured name of lust? I was unaware of the depth of this single word, until I met you. And when I realized the meaning of love, with it I procured torment of jealousy & throes of parting. Why do we love & acquire in its return pain & mourning – Why?

I still remember the day when in the gusty rains in the stunning wilderness of Vrindavan your hands had touched me for the first time; when your sturdy arms had clasped me close to your heart; when your lips had alleviated the thirst of my quivering lips with a kiss. When your person, dark like the clouds of monsoon & steeped in the petite droplets of the downpour, had swathed my distinct body, fair like the first snow of the Himalayas; it seemed as if the clouds had enveloped the lustrous moon. That day, every mite of your essence was imbibed by my body. I was imperfect till then. That day I felt that I have become absolute. You culminated the modus of my completion. You had touched me; no other yearning lingered in my heart.

You were Shiva, I craved to be your Shivani; you were Indra, I coveted to be your Indrani; you were Agni, I pined to be your Svaha – to sum it up, I chose to be your consort.

But, perhaps, the fates were against us. Soon I was married off to Ayyan. But even the holy knots of nuptial were unable to efface your name from my heart. Love only happens once in your life; and I’d loved you, Kanha. I carried out not a single duty that is expected of a wife. How could I? I was married to Ayyan, but you were my soulmate.

I was already your spouse when I married Ayyan. Your contingence was the vermillion of my head & your embrace my bridal wreath. Your body that enfolded my person was the bridal raiment while the dazzling lightning in the wet firmament was the fire of the altar. Walking with you hand in hand, I don’t know how many times I impersonated the holy rites of the Seven Steps. Even after this if I was deemed to be a virgin worthy of marriage, then what could I say?

It is not easy for a man to persevere the indignity of his consort adoring some other man. Ayyan restrained himself for many days; but for how long? When the floodgates of his forbearance collapsed, it overwhelmed everything. When the conflagration of his passion allayed, he looked at me. I lay there – like a cadaver - lifeless. But was there any life in me before that? My life - I had gifted it upon your feet.

But perhaps, it was a burly blow to Ayyan. Who could have loved a carcass? In that dark night, I saw fear in his eyes. A fear of the unknown. He straightened himself & went out of the room trembling in grief & fury. He did not return. Later, I heard that he became the Commander-in-Chief of the army of Kamsa. Kanha, can you see now what your love has done to me? I am neither alive nor dead.

I couldn’t even bid you farewell the day you were leaving for Mathura. Every person who loved you, who adored you was trying to stop you with his tears. But I – I could not even do that. After all, I was bound in the shackles of a fake marriage. I only looked at you… hidden behind the trees… dropping tears from my eyes. What else could I do?

If only, even for a second, you would have looked at me, I would have endured my whole life cherishing that one moment. But no – you had accepted me as the pit of all your sorrows. In your eyes, I had deceived you. But believe me when I say – I love you. And it is only you that I love. And if that is my fault, then I have nothing else to say.

Today, I have no other companions other than the flute you had gifted me. I keep it close to my heart. In the scorching heat of Jyeshtha, when I wander in the wilds of Vrindavan, I still hear the enchanting notes of your flute. When I press your flute to my lips, I can taste your lips. The trees & bushes of Vrindavan, the waters of Yamuna – everywhere I feel you, I smell you. Even though you are absent, your essence is ubiquitous.

In your life, if you have felt ever felt even least amount of love for me, then by that right I beseech you – just for once, let me see you. I will be gratified by your gesture. After descrying you, even the agony of Hell will be more pleasant for me than the bliss of the Heaven.

I can not endure this solitude any more. What should I do? I can no more bear to exist like this – anticipating, someday you’ll come & engulf me in your arms. I cannot even embrace death in peace, because I want to see you just once before my death. Come back, Kanha. Please come back. Before it’s too late, come back. I cannot live without you, beloved. Before my last breath leaves my earthly body, come back to me, my dear, come back…

Yours Radha

Only You...

2007-04-06T11:28:00.000-07:00

They say

When He takes away something from you,

Then He returns it in a way

That no one can imagine.

Perhaps that’s what happened with me…

I was musing in solitude

When your beautiful smile

Mitigated my loneliness.

You arrived

Like a fresh blossom of the spring season

And spread mirth in the desert of my heart.

I was dead;

Your love rejuvenated my psyche.

I was enduring the eternal damnation of Tartarus;

You dragged me out

And brought me into the beautiful Elysium.

You not only gave meaning to my life,

You reinvigorated my veins with life-juice.

Time may pass,

Seasons may change;

Maybe we will not be together tomorrow.

What would remain but memories –

Memories of the moments spent together,

Memories of our consolidated laughter,

Memories of our sorrow & our grief…

But never again shall I ebb away

Into the arms of Thanatos;

Never!

Since you have become my Yggdrasil!

An Inconvenient Truth...

2007-04-06T04:23:00.000-07:00

There's a legend in the Bible about two trees in the Garden of Eden - one of them was the Tree of Knowledge, whose fruit when devoured by Adam & Eve, resulted in their banishment from Eden. The second one was the Tree of Life. The tree that stored in its sap the ability to bestow on man, the only thing which he has longed for aeons - immortality.

This symbol - that of a tree - of the source of immortality has been repeated numerous times in myths over the world. Be it the Peach Tree of the Chinese, the Yggdrasil of the Norsemen or the Sanjivani of the Hindus - everywhere the implication is same. The tree as a fountain of eternal life.

From time immemorial, man has realized the importance of trees. When he was nearer to the Nature, man worshipped the tree as a deity of fertility. Man was overwhelmed by the enchanting life-cycle of a tree as every winter it withered away to bloom in an unearthly magnificence again in the spring.

But as man walked down the lane of progress, he started departing away from the Nature - the source of his existence. Man built the awe-inspiring monuments of his progress - the cities - over the ashes of the trees. The trees self-abnegated to make way for the progress of the mankind. They say that gold dazzles only when it is heated to an extremely high temperature. The trees, by their act, became the epitome of gold - or particularly the property of gold.

But today, man stands on such a crossroad, where one road leads to unending evolution disregarding the side-effects while the other road leads to progress but in reconciliation with the Nature. Man has to choose his own way & only that will decide wherein lies the future of the Earth.

SMILING IS INFECTIOUS...

2007-04-05T13:23:00.000-07:00

Well, as an intro, here's a short poem (of course, not by me) that captures my philosophy of life...

Smiling is infectious,

you catch it like the flu.

When someone smiled at me today

I started smiling too.

I passed around the corner

and someone saw my grin.

When she smiled I realized

I'd passed it on to her.

I thought about that smile

then I realized its worth.

A single smile, just like mine

could travel round the earth.

So, if you feel a smile begin

don't leave it undetected.

Let's start an epidemic quick

and get the world infected!

Everyone needs a smile!!!